Saturday, February 18, 2012
I am going to India in June. I'm part of a team representing Forgotten Children Worldwide. This trip is similar to the trip I took to Uganda, as far as why we're going, what we're doing, etc. We will be visiting our two partners who have ministries in India. We will meet the children, I will get to meet our sponsored child, Chennakeshav, just like I got to meet Bumpi.
That's where the similarities end. Different country, different people, completely different team, longer travel-time. But the biggest difference is my heart. I'm struggling. I was over-the-moon excited to go to Uganda! I couldn't WAIT to leave, I was on fire! That just isn't the case with this trip. When I said "yes", my ONLY reason was because I am SURE God wants me to go.
When this trip was announced at our church, and the interest meeting was held, I didn't even consider attending. It wasn't on my radar. I hadn't been home from Uganda long and I felt no desire, need or calling to go. Then I received an email from my "boss" with FCW that simply said "I want you to go to India, we'll talk soon.". That was it. I think I may have even laughed out loud when I read it. I told Jason what the email said. He replied "Yeah...that's not happening right now." and went on to list all the reasons why it just wasn't a possibility this year. Maybe the next one. Of course he had no argument from me, I didn't want to go so I was glad my husband agreed...I took it as confirmation from the Lord that this trip wasn't for me.
OHHHH but that's what happens when I start to think I can read God's mind. The next few days, my dear friend Natalie began talking about possibly going to India, because our "boss" approached her as well. At that point, I started praying. Something was stirring in my heart, but I wasn't sure if it was my own desire to go because Natalie might, or if it might be the Spirit softening me. Then, randomly out of the blue one morning Jason says "I think you're supposed to go to India." WHAT?! He had been adamantly against the trip and he had shown zero signs of doubt, so for that statement to come out of his mouth...well...I knew that moment what I had been feeling wasn't coming from myself.
I let our team leader know that I would go. All the while STILL not WANTING to go exactly, but feeling like I was being called and desiring to obey. Then! Jason changed his mind. He gave me all the original reasons again as to why I shouldn't go. I asked him if we could take some time and each of us pray about it, because frankly, the roller coaster of emotions was really starting to get to me! So we did. A week later, we were walking on the greenway. I decided it was time to ask him about India. I said "Sooo..." and he said "About your trip to India?" I said "MY trip?" And he said "Yes. You have to go." He went on to explain his reasons for saying no had been selfish, and the more he prayed about it, the more he knew the answer was "yes".
I'm still on a bit of a roller coaster. I have yet to reach the peak of excitement I had before Uganda, but I do have moments of peace and desire for this trip. The Lord is working on my heart, which is really the whole point anyway. I'm not going to India to "save the day", I know that India will impact ME more than I will ever in my little life impact India. As painful as it can sometimes be, my desire is to be more like Jesus. I want to allow Him to change me, mold me, use me. I trust Him completely and wholly, and I have seen His faithfulness, I know He will never leave my side.
Please pray for me and my heart. Pray for my team. Pray for FCW. Pray for my amazing husband who will again be taking on the responsibilities of our house, children AND of course his job(s).
"If anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need but closes his eyes to his need - how can God's love reside in him? Little children, we must not love with word or speech, but with truth and action." 1 John 3:17&18